Wedding Dresses That Just Scream Tacky

It's the most beautiful day of your life. Your wedding day. You're a vision, transcending time and far away galaxies with just a bat of your eyelashes. All eyes are on you. You are a kween. You are a goddess. You are.... um, basically wearing a taffeta sea monster atop your bosom? Hold the phone, girl!

Yes, today is all about you. Treat yo'self! Get the ice sculpture with the kissing swans! But, please, don't sting our eyes with that nasty thing you call a dress. We have to see these Instagrams forever.

Oh, sorry. Did you think this was gonna be about your beautiful insides? Think again, sister! This is all about those janky outsides.

Million dollar baby

When you gotta get hitched, but you still need to squeeze in a workout. Girl, no. This is no time for gym-to-street style!

Infamously extravagant British fashion designer Vivienne Westwood knocked everyone out with this showstopper at a runway show in Tokyo — where models actually walked a boxing ring instead of a catwalk.

We love a girl who can kick some butt, but this look's down for the count before the end of this round! Not even dry shampoo can save you!

Balloon animal

Okay, brace yourselves. True love alert: Her fiancé created this dress out of 600 balloons! Bride Su Xuenuo's multi-talented wedding entertainer and balloon magician husband-to-be, crafted this look in just one night! Then they hit the streets of Quingdao, China where we're guessing they weren't the only ones snapping some pics.

These happy colors make us giddy, but we're gonna save this one for a birthday party. Where you can be the center of attention as a clown, not the bride! And yeah, we're Googling tiny bicycles and red noses now.

Carb queen

Bae, we get it. You've been starving yourself for weeks to fit into that dress! But was wearing an actual wedding cake the best choice?

You know what they say. "A moment on the hips equals a lifetime on the —" wait a minute.

Artist Lukka Sigurdardottir created this dress that's completely edible, and even has a checkered cake petticoat! Yummers! OK, so we might be drooling a little. But we sure don't want to actually be the dessert buffet!

(Psst! We brought Tupperware. Should we just start with the hem?)

Rosy cheeks

Got your heart set on a sunset beach wedding? We've got you covered — barely! Simply hot glue some flowers to the bikini you were wearing earlier by the pool, clip on an '80s silk bedskirt, and boom: wedded bliss!

French model Laetitia Casta rocked that flower power on the Paris runway for Yves Saint-Laurent's 1999 Spring/Summer haute couture collection. While the former Victoria's Secret model has since gone on to fame as a French cinema superstar, Vogue names this one of her top runway looks! It was also featured in a 2008 traveling retrospective of YSL's work, described by a visitor of the show to be inspired by, "...goddess Flora or Botticelli's Venus."

While we're swooning over these romantic florals — so Coachella '17 — we're abs-olutely not feelin' the number of crunches we'd have to do to wear this dress.

Make it rain

Wear your heart on your sleeve, and your cash — on your dress? Let your guests skip the drugstore greeting cards, and have 'em load up your pockets in person.

You might have arrived as Miss Wedding-Broke, but you'll be Mrs. Takin'-It-To-The-Bank, tonight! Designer Sabina Gorelik crafted this dress as part of a collection for Mercedes Benz Fashion Week Russia in 2012. In case you're thinking this was the craziest of her designs, her other signature bridal couture included a shawl of white rubber gloves, a bottle-nipple bustier, and a skirt loaded with champagne flutes! Wedding game on!

Safety first

We're blushing at the bride who would wear a dress made of condoms! This shimmering frock caused some major buzz in Shoalhaven, New South Wales, Australia, where it got everyone talking about family planning fashion! "Connie", as this gown is known locally, may have been created for a good cause, but we sure wouldn't wanna be looking like "Sex Ed Sally" on our big day. And can you even imagine the rubber train squeaking along behind you?

Grandma would be crying. And not because she's happy for us.

Fries before guys

She's a rainbow, wrapped up in a smile, wrapped up in a bacon double cheeseburger wrapper. Le sigh!

Fast food blew up the runway at Miami Beach Funkshion Fashion Week 2015, where Miami International University student designer Ricardo Hardouin's McDonald's couture involved, "900 white sandwich wrappers, 60 yellow sandwich wrappers and 20 fry boxes," according to Us Weekly. We bet the Hamburglar was sitting front row!

OK, so we might be suckers for a little late night drive-thru once in a while (no judging!), but a bouquet of trash flowers? Girl, your devotion to Mickey D's runs deep. This is some next level "If you love it so much, why don't you marry it?"

To infinity

Looking for a way to involve all those rando cousins who wanna be a part of your wedding? Put them in charge of your 2-mile-long train.

This little lady broke the Guinness World Record with her wow-worthy couture. That's 17-year-old Romanian model Ema Dumitrescu hanging on to a hot air balloon, as her 2,750 meter train earned top spot as the longest ever, in 2012. Reuters (via IBTimes) reported that the dress took 100 days to make, with 4,700 meters of material and 1,857 needles! And no one even got married in it.

But really, who wants to tear it up on the dance floor with two miles of taffeta? We'll leave the records to the DJ.

Showered with love

Uh-oh, ladies. This is what happens when you don't leave yourself enough time between getting ready and heading down the aisle. Is that a shower pouf on her head?

Thank you, Alexis Mabille Haute Couture Spring/Summer 2010 line. For proving that if you're ever in a pinch, a shower-curtain dress lets everyone know you're squeaky clean and not afraid to show it! Oh, and P.S., you can skip those pre-wedding workouts. This dress couldn't find your curves if it tried.

Boo, can you grab us a towel on your way back?

Daily nutritional value

No wonder this sweet pixie bride looks depressed. She's gotta think about how many calories are in her dress! Yeah, we admit to reading up on our nutrition facts, but can we have one major blow-out cheat day, please?

Moschino creative director Jeremy Scott featured this silk dress on the Milan runway in 2014, and at Selfridges, London for a cheap-n-chic $9,300! The all-over print featured the math on saturated fat, sodium, and high fructose corn syrup in all your favorite guilty pleasures. Anyone else hangry for cheesy puffs?

Hot tip: The flowers probably have the most nutritional value of this look. Dig in, girl!

Painted on

It all starts with a "painting with wine" class. You sip a little pinot, create a beautiful watercolor still-life of grapes, and next thing you know, you're painting a lace bodice on yourself. Girl. N to the O.

This wedded whimsy was painted by Australian body paint artist Maria G.L. Mormile, who says, "I often paint my own face." Her work features people with completely painted-on animals, clothing, and designs. Maybe do a "half-bride, half-tiger, wearing denim cutoff's made solely of acrylic paint" on your special day!

Real talk. We know you're the creative one in the girl gang. But we don't need to know this much about you.

Look ma, no hands

Hands-free is so hot right now. Tired of carrying your bouquet? There's a dress for that! Vivienne Westwood's Paris 2015 show gifted us with this beauty, as part of a collection Vogue described as, "...clothes that time and time again highlight the beauty of the female form, made by a woman who knows exactly the areas that women want, and don't want, to highlight." Oops, did you wanna show your face? Not this time, babe.

But luckily, since you don't have to hold onto your lilies, you're free to wave to your guests! Hi-five your attendants! Check your phone during the ceremony! The possibilities are endless, however, we'd probably just be adjusting our bee-keeper's hat.

Something blue

Here comes the bride, all dressed in — toilet paper? Ah, that's award-winning TP, thanks to 31-year old mother of three Amber Mills, who fashioned blue Charmin into a wearable gown! In just three months, the Dallas, TX design rookie completed an old Hollywood glam look that was fierce enough to take third prize in the 10th Annual Toilet Paper Wedding Dress Contest. Get it, girl!

Mad props to Amber (that clutch looks positively cuddly), but we'll keep our rolls in the ladies' room, thank you very much.

A little puffy

Yes, your hubby's a baker. YES, cream puffs are bae. But do you wanna walk around with 20 lbs of doughballs as your wedding gown? Yes — Wait. No. NO. You put those puffs back on the dessert table!

This lovely bride was decked out head to toe in the sweet stuff. Her necklace, headpiece, and flowers were made of caramelized sugar, and her dress? "The dress — made of 1,500 cream puffs and weighing 20 pounds — took the 28-year-old baker [Valentyn Shtefano] two months to make, and by the end of the wedding reception, bride Viktoriya said she didn't want to take it off," gushed the Associated Press (via NBC News). One sec. Aww!

Our verdict? We'd rather eat our food than wear it. Okay, unless it's a candy necklace.

Pretty in pink

To all the ladies searching for a look that screams, "Sweet 16, meets Quinceañera, meets Cinderella's prom queen cousin who's 24/7 wrecked on Red Bull," we have a winner!

"Whoever has the most rhinestones wins," claims Sondra Celli, designer to the stars of TLC's My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding. According to her, these ladies go all out for the most important day of their lives. The F.I.T. grad knows how to cater to any bride's tastes, but she has a particular heart for these ladies. "A bride whose wedding theme is Winter Wonderland is given the snow queen treatment with fur, iridescent crystals and LED lights." No need to worry about one of your bridesmaids stealing the spotlight. You are the spotlight!

Life of the party

And now, a gown so poetically fraught, it seems to whisper, "I've just emerged from many years spent in someone's attic." Omg, those finger pieces. What is this, some kind of torture device? Nope! Just a gal in a gown for Hong Kong Fashion Week 2011, struttin' that runway for a presentation titled, "Into The Light" by Hong Kong New Design Force. Which leaves us with one existential question. Where does one cobweb end, and the other begin?

Ladies, please join hands with your bestie! We now pronounce you free to get dressed.